I waited to read this email until I had time, so it's been a day or 3 since you sent it. And then I opened it to the first line of "Numbness". I was a bit taken aback and as I kept reading I thought "Wow. This is crazy that someone actually has written this down." Mostly because I have been trying to navigate feeling but not feeling. I've been trying to name this state I find myself in.
And I think I even thought to myself a few days ago that I was numb. I'm unmotivated to move outside the current routine I've created, and I keep asking myself everyday why I feel this way. I know it's not depression. I'm not sad, well, not consistently and not paralyzed. It was driving me nuts I couldn't name what was going on with me.
I went from having a very stress-filled life for over a decade, carrying the weight and to-dos of the world, to just having a job. Over a decade I've been in overdrive and felt so much I thought I would die some days. And it seems almost instantly, I landed on safe ground, away from all the chaos and now I'm just here. I would say I should feel lost to some degree, but I don't feel that. I just feel like I'm standing completely still.
I can't say I don't feel things at all because what has happened is that my brain decided to address some issues that I had refused to face. I'm dealing with me because I put everyone else's things down. My brain emptied out, so to speak, but what is left are thoughts that had been clouded out by other things.
The realization that I have refused to look directly at some things I needed to face is super uncomfortable, but it's also strange because I'm not looking at it as I would any other time in my life. Because I just am not "feeling" it like normal. So yeah, it's like it's there and I see these things fully, but I haven't fully engaged them.
I don't know if I'm making much sense, but I do know so many of the things you wrote resonated with me. I'm navigating a weird time. I've accepted the weirdness of it, but until now, I really didn't think if I tried to explain it anyone would get where I was coming from.
I'm allowing myself to feel the "numbness", mainly because I haven't figured out how to move out of it. I'm trying to move through it like I have with grief in the past. But this is definitely a new thing, so I have no idea what I'm doing. I'm trying to allow myself grace, rather than move into more shame than I've already put myself through already. I think you said something to the effect that you felt disconnected from yourself. I know I'm not broken, but I do feel a disconnect or like part of me has short-circuited.
Thanks for your words. Mental health is such a huge part of overall health, so it helps to relate to someone else on these things.
Thanks so much for sharing your thoughts, feelings and experience Kim.
I think it’s tough for many people as there are no hard and fast answers and much of our experience, especially those feelings of ‘numbness’ can’t be forced away only accepted as the current state of how things feel.
Our external world has much impact of course it does and there is only so much ‘development’, ‘healing’ or any other word that’s been thrown around too much, that we can do.
And I’d even go as far to argue, sometimes the most appropriate thing we can do for ourselves is just be in the world a little more, give ourselves the permission to be who we are, irrespective of the circumstances 🙏
Yes! Give ourselves permission to be where we are until our full essence returns. I think when we go through periods like this it's worth noting that we are not the same as we were before. There truly is growth in the uncomfortable and in the waiting.
In the spirit of Lent, which I've never been great at honoring, I decided to do just that. In an effort to focus more inward and spiritually, I decided to fast, not just from food, but also some of the vices that I cling to that aren't so healthy for my mind, body, and soul. The things in my life that weigh me down the most. I'm off social media. I'm fasting during the day and reading more during the times I would be spending hours mindlessly scrolling. This seems like a meaningful time to explore and see what comes of it, especially with the season and the season I find myself in.
Again, thanks for writing things and putting them out in the world. I know sometimes it would be easier not to, but it's resonating! Here's your reassurance.
I waited to read this email until I had time, so it's been a day or 3 since you sent it. And then I opened it to the first line of "Numbness". I was a bit taken aback and as I kept reading I thought "Wow. This is crazy that someone actually has written this down." Mostly because I have been trying to navigate feeling but not feeling. I've been trying to name this state I find myself in.
And I think I even thought to myself a few days ago that I was numb. I'm unmotivated to move outside the current routine I've created, and I keep asking myself everyday why I feel this way. I know it's not depression. I'm not sad, well, not consistently and not paralyzed. It was driving me nuts I couldn't name what was going on with me.
I went from having a very stress-filled life for over a decade, carrying the weight and to-dos of the world, to just having a job. Over a decade I've been in overdrive and felt so much I thought I would die some days. And it seems almost instantly, I landed on safe ground, away from all the chaos and now I'm just here. I would say I should feel lost to some degree, but I don't feel that. I just feel like I'm standing completely still.
I can't say I don't feel things at all because what has happened is that my brain decided to address some issues that I had refused to face. I'm dealing with me because I put everyone else's things down. My brain emptied out, so to speak, but what is left are thoughts that had been clouded out by other things.
The realization that I have refused to look directly at some things I needed to face is super uncomfortable, but it's also strange because I'm not looking at it as I would any other time in my life. Because I just am not "feeling" it like normal. So yeah, it's like it's there and I see these things fully, but I haven't fully engaged them.
I don't know if I'm making much sense, but I do know so many of the things you wrote resonated with me. I'm navigating a weird time. I've accepted the weirdness of it, but until now, I really didn't think if I tried to explain it anyone would get where I was coming from.
I'm allowing myself to feel the "numbness", mainly because I haven't figured out how to move out of it. I'm trying to move through it like I have with grief in the past. But this is definitely a new thing, so I have no idea what I'm doing. I'm trying to allow myself grace, rather than move into more shame than I've already put myself through already. I think you said something to the effect that you felt disconnected from yourself. I know I'm not broken, but I do feel a disconnect or like part of me has short-circuited.
Thanks for your words. Mental health is such a huge part of overall health, so it helps to relate to someone else on these things.
Thanks so much for sharing your thoughts, feelings and experience Kim.
I think it’s tough for many people as there are no hard and fast answers and much of our experience, especially those feelings of ‘numbness’ can’t be forced away only accepted as the current state of how things feel.
Our external world has much impact of course it does and there is only so much ‘development’, ‘healing’ or any other word that’s been thrown around too much, that we can do.
And I’d even go as far to argue, sometimes the most appropriate thing we can do for ourselves is just be in the world a little more, give ourselves the permission to be who we are, irrespective of the circumstances 🙏
Yes! Give ourselves permission to be where we are until our full essence returns. I think when we go through periods like this it's worth noting that we are not the same as we were before. There truly is growth in the uncomfortable and in the waiting.
In the spirit of Lent, which I've never been great at honoring, I decided to do just that. In an effort to focus more inward and spiritually, I decided to fast, not just from food, but also some of the vices that I cling to that aren't so healthy for my mind, body, and soul. The things in my life that weigh me down the most. I'm off social media. I'm fasting during the day and reading more during the times I would be spending hours mindlessly scrolling. This seems like a meaningful time to explore and see what comes of it, especially with the season and the season I find myself in.
Again, thanks for writing things and putting them out in the world. I know sometimes it would be easier not to, but it's resonating! Here's your reassurance.
This is a lovely focus for the coming week, of course please do let me know how things go and any insights you have 🙏
I appreciate the reassurance greatly, it is nice to know it's resonating with some people 😊