Escaping in order to feel

An exploration of Tactical Escapism

Numbness.

A sensation that we overlook because we see it as the absence of something, a void that exists within us. Yet numbness is still a sensation we experience, we are still very much feeling something, that something is ‘numb’.

Part of this refusal of acknowledgement is that numbness feels so uncomfortable, so foreign or alien to a species that is built on feeling. The other part of that is if we weren’t feeling numb? What would we be feeling? What lies under the surface of this?

That level of uncertainty is something many of us would rather not face. So we often do all we can to avoid and escape from this feeling. Coincidentally, the majority of the behaviours we tend to engage in to do this numb us even further or just distract from the feeling long enough to continue with our lives to some degree.

For a long time I thought I had something wrong with me because I couldn’t feel. I didn’t know how to name my emotions or what each one felt like, I’d never felt my own heartbeat within my chest and any kind of attempt to experience what was going on from the head down instilled instant stomach-clenching terror.

My mind, my rational thought, my intellectualisation, all kept me safe and very far away from opening the proverbial box of Pandora that was jam-packed with both suppressed and repressed emotions.

I struggled to make sense of who I was, if I was to use language of my current understanding to describe something in hindsight, I would say I was completely and utterly disconnected from myself.

It was only when someone shared this revelation, that numbness is still a feeling, that something clicked within. I had a second of vivid awareness. A moment where I felt the ripple of sensation through my body, as if someone had just turned the volume up and I could finally hear the music through the static.

This was of course short lived but in that brief moment I was finally free of the idea that I was somehow broken.

This is still very much an ongoing process for me, one that takes real effort and intention but I can confirm that I have finally been able to feel my own heartbeat in my chest, a moment that genuinely brought me to tears.

What I didn’t realise at the time was I had already been ‘feeling’, I was simply using an unconventional method to do so. One that I haven’t seen discussed much and one I feel would be useful to share a different perspective on.

Running away from it all.

With more and more people gaining knowledge of emotions, regulation and therapeutic terms, things like ‘escapism’ are becoming more mainstream. The majority of these references have negative connotations that escapism is some kind of inherently bad behaviour that we must avoid at all costs.

“Running away from your emotions”

Being the person I am, I wholeheartedly disagree with any kind of blanket labelling, especially based on my own experiences of escapism, as well as those people I’ve had the pleasure to support through behaviour change.

Like any other behaviour, I believe when used intentionally, or perhaps ‘tactically’ is a more appropriate term, they can actually benefit instead of harm us.

Why is it always running away from? And not running towards something new?

There is no denying that the method matters here, I’ve struggled with both alcohol and drugs in the past, using those as ways to escape the experience and further numb myself out. It works just for long enough to make yourself brutally ill and then have to face the music in the morning, which makes the initial behaviour even more appealing.

But due to my struggle with feeling and distinct lack of awareness, I’d never been aware enough to understand what was going on for me. I thought I just loved to party and it’s very likely that was partly true but I found it almost impossible to be ‘myself’ without any kind of substance on board and that right there, is a big ol’ red flag.

Of course there are a myriad of motivators for any behaviour, time with friends, creating some amazing memories I can still smile about today and having fun all fit into this somewhere too. Let’s not psycho-analyse ourselves into oblivion.

However, there are ways in which escapism can serve us. One of the more unconventional and less discussed ones is the power of reading.

I would allow myself to be wholly consumed in a novel, in someone else’s world, to the point where their emotions, desires and personality, would almost enmesh with mine. I began to struggle to differentiate between them and me which perhaps on the surface sounds problematic but it allowed me to experience an emotion as someone else, not as my self.

It allowed me to slowly craft a map of the emotional landscape, all cognitively driven at this point but it has proved invaluable in actually going on to feel my own emotions.

Cognitive understanding, empathy and this overlap between my reality and the escapism of a novel has helped me explore my own experience in a safer and less overwhelming way.

Tactical Escapism

Intentionally using behaviours that would otherwise be labelled as ‘avoidant’ to support wider health, well-being and personal development in alignment with values and life fulfilment.

There is no denying that as humans we have a limited capacity. Some influencers would maybe try and have you believe otherwise but to deny our limitedness, is to deny what it means to be human. It’s a dismissal of our mortality, of our flawed natures and of our day to day experience.

This limited nature thus means that on some days we simply do not have the energy, capacity or attention to deal with everything that is thrown at us. I’d argue it’s why so many people are chronically overwhelmed, our plates are perpetually piling up whilst we as people have nowhere near enough resources to help us unload it.

Our proverbial river is breaking its banks.

Tactical escapism is taking a micro-holiday from reality, just enough to allow us to re-build some capacity for what is being requested of us. It’s the novel we get lost in, the video game that pulls our entire attention towards it, the crafting that allows us to forget where we are and be fully submerged in the building.

These experiences are not ones where we are ‘feeling’ our emotions or at least not intentionally. They are similar to experiences of flow where time seems to shift and bend, where any kind chronology disappears. They can be deeply restorative, capacity building and self-preserving in a world that often demands far too much of us.

However, I feel in some cases of escapism, we are ‘feeling’.

The novel that brings you to tears, the emotions we experience are for the characters and the storyline yet they are still very much real for us.

The main difference is the context, the back story of why we are experiencing them. It isn’t our life but someone else’s which provides the emotional ammunition, this means the chances we experience overwhelm in the emotional sense, that feeling where our emotions run away from us are much less because the emotionally significant event doesn’t hold quite as much power over us.

It’s the video game that keeps us hooked and sitting on the edge of our seat, we are still feeling something, we are still experiencing emotions they just aren’t at the front of our mind. We aren’t ‘sitting in them’ intentionally.

Tactical escapism is also a way to experience emotions we are avoiding in a different context that isn’t ours to hold. The film that opens our hearts to another struggle, allowing emotions of grief and sadness to flow freely but to be transformed as the storyline unfolds.

Some final thoughts...

I feel I must reiterate that both motivations and intentions of the escapism matter an awful lot and there is no denying these can quickly become very problematic behaviours.

However, they do serve a function and a purpose. They can be part of a wider tool box to help us navigate the world in front of us with as much grace as we can, which let’s be honest is sometimes absolutely none.

I feel we are actively encouraged to compress the complexity of behaviours into small boxes, into rigid labels that don’t come close to representing the messiness of the human experience. This reductionist view of behaviours is creating an environment that feels increasingly hostile and strips someone of their autonomy and agency. False morality becomes a cage that traps people in a cage of shame and anxiety. When what they are going through is all part of being someone walking this earth.

Peace out ✌️