Torn Between Worlds

The tension of inner conflict

I have noticed a growing sense of unease within my body, a tearing as parts of myself that feel so opposed to one another come into contact. Conflicted between competing desires and motivations. Worldviews clashing that have no vent point to release the pressure that bubbles underneath the surface, escaping in any way it can.

For as long as I can remember, my interests have wandered and varied, moved from thing to thing like an erratic spotlight. Shining for differing lengths of time, usually much shorter than I would like them to, before moving on to the next shiny thing, whatever that may be.

The shame of not being able to go ‘all in’ on something feels burdensome and heavy around my neck. It feels dark and unspeakable in a world that celebrates mastery, hell, I fucking love the idea of ‘mastery’ but can’t seem to find the thing to stick at long enough to even consider that an option for me.

And it’s this sense of shame that erodes the very foundations of self and adds to the underpinning tension between those aforementioned conflicted parts. It feels like an appropriate time to introduce those parts and their desires.

The peaceful, calm and slow part of me.

The one who wants to swing in a hammock, read a book with a delicious hot coffee. Retreat into the woods, escape the digital world and live off-grid. The one who wants to occupy a little cabin or tiny home with a dog or two, grow my own produce and connect with nature on a deeper level than I currently do.

This version wants to write beautiful prose, to reflect and think about the big questions, to live in his humanness and in the moment much more. He wants to have a little workshop to try and build some of his own furniture. To be independent and yet still connected, to craft things and learn new skills in a slow and intentional way, to contribute to a small community with acts of shared service.

Then there is the other part of me, the one who wants to live in the digital world.

The one who is interested in AI, this part of me who wants to innovate and push the boundaries of the coaching space, to build really cool shit that impact people positively and help them embody a type of health that genuinely serves them. This part wants to deep dive on tech and have some epic kind of home server set up.

Computing horsepower to be ultra-productive, to be able to work across several projects and to have his fingers in many proverbial digital pies.

And whilst I am sure there are some overlap points, some commonality between them, who says you can’t have an epic home server in the woods; deep down they feel at polar extremes.

I feel like I am being asked to make a decision, to make a choice of the type of person I want to be, as if these parts can’t somehow co-exist. Logically, and oh-so-rationally, I know they can but the felt experience of this conflict continues to shake me to my very core.

AI feels dirty.

Off-grid living in the woods hiding from the world feels like avoidance.

Again neither of those are objective ‘truths’ they are mere expressions and articulations from these parts who feel in conflict and cannot find a common ground, a space of resolution between them.

And underneath it all lies a burning fear. A fear that all of this is just a passing trend and these interests will fade away into the ether quicker than they arrived, if I even had the courage to pursue them.

The fear is more than that too though, it’s a fatalistic viewpoint that if I make a commitment I cannot change course and I will be trapped in my decisions. Logically I also know this not to be true. But logic doesn’t stop those emotions existing, it simply redirects my gaze to another place, whilst the fear eats away underneath.

So I guess I have to question myself...

What would it look like to move forward with this fear?

What if this isn’t a conflict to be ‘resolved’ but instead just one to be managed?

If balance didn’t exist, what action would I take?

What would happen if I stopped trying to ‘make sense of it all’?

What if I just say ‘Fuck it, let’s find out’?

Maybe those are some questions for you to ponder too.

Peace out ✌️